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EternallyBlissfulYoga Magazine Yoga News Feed

All the Yoga related news that gives Yogis the fits.


Yoga Cargo Cult Discoverd

Tiny Bubbles
For Yoga Anthropology Review

On a tiny and remote tropical island in the middle of the vast Pacific Ocean, a strange new cargo cult has arisen that has anthropologists delighted. On arriving on the island, they found several men, clad in what looks to be fanciful recreations of high-end Yoga clothing, assembled on a beach and enacting a ritual that appears to resemble a Yoga class.

Chief WikiWanaMooSeviTikiKali, a slight, bearded man in his “yoga costume” and ceremonial “Om” headband, leads the men in a series of Yoga derived poses. The 40 barefoot "Yogis’s” begin to chant while flowing in perfect unisons before the Chief. In addition to the fanciful yoga clothing, they also wear ceremonial masks and sport the letters “Lululemon,” painted in red on their bare chests and back. Oddly, they have scratched areas on the sand that seems to be recreations of Yoga sticky mats.

This newly discovered cargo cult on the island of WikiWaniWanaWakiWhaWeniWangaWackaWanker (also referred to as Whoo to those islanders who are short of breath) appears to have started with the finding of a cargo crate containing pirated Yoga videos from China. All of the videos appears to be by the famous Yoga video star Rodney Yee (The islanders believe that the masks they wear look like Mr. Yee).

The island’s “Rodney” movement is a classic example of what anthropologists have called a “cargo cult”. Many of these have sprang on islands in the South Pacific during World War II, when hundreds of thousands of American troops poured into the islands from the skies and seas. And like the classic cargo cults, this one believes that one day, Rodney Yee will arrive, bearing other Yoga goods such as Yoga mats, Yoga blocks, Yoga straps or even maybe even a Yoga workshop or Yoga conference.

Cargo washed up on a beach in the South Pacific

Islander practising MeFrigginHamStingsasana





San Francisco to Yoga – Turn down the Heat

Wavy Garcia
For SF Yoga

In one of the more extreme responses to the global warming crisis, practicing Yoga in a “hot” studio may be relegated to history's dust bin in San Francisco if that city gets its way. The Mayor’s office sent out notices today requesting all “hot” Yoga studios in San Francisco to refrain from unnecessarily heating their studios. “We hope they (Yoga studios) will turn down the heat voluntarily before a complete ban on excessive heat in their studios goes into effect”, Mayor Newsom said while signing the notice.

The San Francisco Board of Supervisors is proposing a prohibition on any Yoga studio that’s get hotter then 72 degrees. The proposed ban would take effect next year. Ross Mirkarimi, a member of the Board of Supervisor told the SF Chronicle newspaper that ``yoga studios designed to pump out excessive heat is a complete waste of energy and causes too much CO2 thus is a direct factor in global warming. This is unacceptable behavior in our enlightened city. If they can’t get sweaty enough during their Yoga practice without turning up the heat in the studio, then they need to take up something else, like volley-ball perhaps”.

For those who abhor Yoga as a vulgar display of affluence (along with yoga conferences, yoga clothing and yoga jewelry), such a ban could be a two-fer: Saving the planet while thumbing their nose at economic inequality. The folks against “hot” Yoga in SF often are same ones who hate McMansion-sized homes, corporate jets, jumbo freezers, yachts, 60-inch flat-screens TVs, overnight-delivery services and other trappings of Western-style wealth and energy use.

But according to some distracters, the debate isn't just about how much carbon dioxide “hot” Yoga is pumping into the atmosphere. Owners of “hot” yoga studios believe that this is really about the disdain that other schools of Yoga hold for this style of Yoga. “It wouldn’t surprise me if some members of the Board of Supervisors are doing that wimpy Anusara crap”, remarked Karmaelectra of Hot Tamali Yoga in Beacon Hill.

Reaction was swift and to the point from the targeted studios upon hearing about the ban. Shanti Bliss, owner of the Hot Dog Yoga studio, exclaimed, “This burns me up”, while Durk of Hot and Heavy Yoga said, “If they (Board of Supervisors) can't stand the heat then they need to get out of the kitchen”. When Sri Paris of That’s Hot Yoga in LA was asked if she was concerned that a similar ban might be proposed in LA, she simply remarked, “That mayor’s hot”.


Extraterrestrials Do Yoga - Yoga Crop Circle Found

Abdul Momand
For EternallyBlissfulYoga Super Magazine

On February 20, a farmer walking his wheat field found a simple word in a crop circle that might signal, for the very first time, that Yoga is of interest to not only the people of Earth but also to the Extraterrestrial community at large.

This first Yoga crop circle appeared in the fertile area of the Becca Valley. The image measures some 640 ft in total length, with the pictogram showing the word, YOGA. Though not perfectly aligned, the word, in the head-high early wheat plants with its spiral lay of the plants, was impressive nonetheless.

When presented to the founders of famous Yoga schools, there seemed to be a common agreement among them, "This is obviously done by an Extraterrestrial force that is new to Yoga as the alignment of the letters are a bit shaky." A leading teacher of the Iyengar School said, "If the Extraterrestrials had come to one of our classes, we feel the lettering would have been aligned more properly. We concur that, either the force was new to Yoga, or it studied under one of the other schools of Yoga."

This major formation seems to indicate that Yoga is even more popular then currently believed..

Photo of first Yoga crop circle found



State of Yoga Proposed

Cynthia Bainsworth
For Yogaweek

In a desperate move to stem the tide of people leaving the state of North Dakota, Governor John Hoeven and Attorney General Wayne Stenehjem today announced that they will propose legislation to change the name of North Dakota to Yoga. Governor Hoeven explained, "This bleeding of our population has got to stop. We feel that this is a bold move to not only stop the fleeing of our citizens to warmer climates but, in fact, will increase the population of the state four fold".

A few years ago, it was suggested by some North Dakota state legislators that the state should change its name to merely "Dakota" in an attempt to curb outmigration and encourage business investment. Their rationale was that, by including the "North" in North Dakota, it paints a picture of isolation and bitter cold. Nothing came of this proposal.

When asked by reporters if the Governor thought the idea of renaming the state's name to Yoga a "bit harebrained", he quipped, "Look there is nothing harebrained about this. We tried everything in the past to get people to stay here. Hell, we offered free land and even open invitations to any and all illegal aliens. And not one person took us up, let alone an illegal alien settling here. With 27.8 billion yogis in the world, it would not take many to quadruple the state's population"!

When North Dakota's lone Yogi was asked about the proposal, she replied, "Wouldn't it confuse people when they heard that you were going to Yoga? I mean, how would they know you are going to the state of Yoga and not a Yoga class"? We presented this question to the Governor whose reply was, "Damn, nobody knows where the hell North Dakota is anyway. So why should this be any more confusing to them".

Current North Dakota map and proposed map

Current North Dakota flag and proposed flag

Current North Dakota state bird (Western Meadowlark - Sturnella neglecta) and proposed state bird (Crane - Bakasana)


Where is YogaDawg?

Frank Zappato
For Yoga World News Report

The Yoga world is a little grimmer this week with the suspension of the fresh, funny and controversial Yoga blog, “My Third Eye Itches”. A coalition of Yoga organizations, Yoga Stars and even Tom Cruise, has apparently persuaded Yoga blogging interests to suspend operation of the blog. According to the notice posted on “My Third Eye Itches”, Sri Sri Baba Swami GuruYogaDawg, the brains behind the blog, has offended the Yoga establishment with his wry comments, keen observations and patent dismissal of the Yoga-Industrial-Complex.

While some in the Yoga community are citing a “vast conservative Yoga conspiracy”, other are convinced this all stems out of the fact that Tom Cruise masterminded this attempt to silence the YogaDawg blog. It appears that there has been a long time festering wound that continues to be chaffed with each attempt by Mr. Cruise to purchase a YogaDawg t-shirt. Though the two disciples at the non-profit YogaDawg foundation appear incredulous at this suggestion, they nevertheless feel that some sort of feud among serious Yogis has resulted in punitive action against the blog.

Meanwhile, the whereabouts of YogaDawg are unknown. His disappearing has sparked a massive dawg-hunt in the hopes of locating this most elusive and controversial Yoga writer. There have been unsubstantiated reports of YogaDawg being seen wandering among the sadhus in Tibet and being seen with Elvis in a Las Vegas nightclub. YogaDawg’s last confirmed sighting was on Apr 19th. Accompanied by a well known Yoga socialite and blogger, YogaDawg had attended a Kirtan at a Washington, DC Yoga studio. Kirtan master David Newman was seen having a spirited exchange with YogaDawg but refuses to comment on what was discussed.

Several major publications are posing the question, “Where is YogaDawg”?

Clinton outraged at the suspension of the YogaDawg blog


Yoga Adjustments Banned in Kansas

Frank Zappato
For Yoga World News Report

In a move that is sure to galvanize the Yoga community, Kansas legislators voted yesterday to ban Yoga adjustments throughout the state of Kansas.

By an overwhelming vote, Kansas legislators passed a law to ban Yoga adjustments in the state that includes criminal penalties of up to one year in jail and a $1,000 fine. Vote count on the bill introduced by Kansas representative Peggy Longgosa (R-Madison) was 112-10 in the House and 36-4 in the Senate. Rep. Longgosa pushed the legislation after learning that not only were Yoga students being touched in Yoga classes across the state, but in some cases, were actually engaged in "partner Yoga". "We are sickened by this and we have stepped forward to protect the good citizens of Kansas".

Kansas is the only state in the U.S. to pass a specific criminal law banning Yoga adjustments, which until the November ban was ineffectually covered by the state anticruelty law. A Kansas legislator who tried to stall the bill (Rep. Bill Stillborn, D-Garnett) ultimately agreed that Yoga adjustments should be outlawed in Kansas, and voted for the final version of the bill, which is expected to be signed into law by Kansas Governor Bill Graves.

Aberrant behavior such as this is now banned in Kansas

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