EternallyBlissfulYoga Magazine Yoga News Feed
All the Yoga related news that gives Yogis the fits.
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Bend That Back - A New Yoga Reality Show from YogaDawg Productions and Bravo
Become The Next Great American Yogi. The new yoga reality show, Bend That Back, pits unknown yogis against each other for a chance at yoga domination. Judged by famous American Yoga Stars, the yogis will participate each week in unique yoga challenges.
I am the most serene – This challenge pits the yogis against each other to see who can hold corpse pose the longest without snoring or get up to use the loo.
I’m too sexy for my yoga – This competition will see who can buy the sexiest high end yoga togs for the least amount of money. Really, really tight fitting and skimpy outfits are encouraged for the aesthetic portion of this challenge.
Extreme yoga video - A yoga mat is laid out with a copy of the Upanishads in the original Sanskrit, a cobra fang, a Tibetan prayer bowl, the latest issue of Yoga Journal, a framed letter from Pattabhi Jois, a calendar showing yoga poses done in the nude (in black and white), a tattered poster from a Jimi Hendrix concert from 1969, a pair of Toesox, a bottle of kombucha and a tube of hemorrhoid cream. Each yogi must use at least one of these items to do a 15-minute yoga performance, at least five minutes of which contains gratuitous nudity.
Talking shit to the Godhead – The yogi reaches deep into their vast yogic experience and teacher training to out-talk their fellow yogis with yoga speak. Points are rewarded for the most inane, incomprehensible and the most riddled with cliché. Talking in tongues for short periods will be allowed. Extra points are given to contestants that can put any of the judges to sleep or cause their eyes to glaze over.
Yoga studio limitations - The challenge here is to find clever new ways to disturb a yoga class. Loud ujjay breathing, tight, revealing clothing and/or doing different poses then everyone else in class have all been used successfully in the past. Creativity is important in this challenge
Yoga YouTube nation - Using a cheap video camera, the yogis will produce a YouTube video of their most advanced yoga moves. After posting the video online, the yogi with the most hits after a week wins.
Sweating to the yogis – Yogis attempt to follow a 2 hour instructional yoga DVD in a hot yoga room that starts out at 86 degrees. Heat increases a degree every minute. Last yoga standing wins. Extra points are awarded to any yogi that keels over from heat stroke or who suffers third degree burns. Any yogi that dies during this challenge will be automatically disqualified.
Rebel yoga yell – With the rise of claims by some young yoga stars who have labeled themselves yoga rebels, this challenge will find the yogis in a competition as to who can create the loudest and most sustained rebel yell. Extra points for those that can do so with a southern accent.
Instruction based madness – Each participant draws up a flowing sequence of yoga poses for a ninety minute yoga class. Once completed, the instructions will be redistributed to another yogi who will attempt to follow their colleagues’ instructions. The challenge is to make the instructions so diabolical and crazy that no one would be able to follow them. Points awarded for a successful completion of the instructions or sustaining a major injury as a result of trying to follow them.
Outsourced yoga - Yogis have five days to set up a website that offers online yoga classes with outsourced Indian programmers and Indian yogis to work for as little as possible. The winner is the one who can hire the cheapest programmers and yogis with points awarded for any web site that can actually get someone to pay for these classes.
Authentic Self dance trance groove - Following the contemporary yoga tradition in which yogis choreograph a highly produced yoga dance routine, this challenge asks the yogis to create their own original dance trance production. The participant that gets closest to their authentic self during the allotted time wins the challenge.
This asana is for the dawgs – This challenge will require the yogi to use a real animal in an animal-named yoga pose. The first yogi who can gets PETA to protest the abuse of animals against the yogi, wins.
Cosmic colon cleanse - Using a special formula of kombucha, gogi berry extract, a secret blend of ayurvedic herbs and blessed by a tribe of Tibetan shamans, the first yogi that completely dissolves their ego, ambitions and false face wins. Additional points awarded for any yogi that levitates to a height of at least 8 inches over the toilet seat for a period of no less than 3 seconds on the initial, ahumm, blast.
YogaDawg Production is now accepting applications to appear on "Bend That Back". We are looking for 12 participants who fit the yoga demographics (as defined by Yoga Journal) - 9, size 0 or smaller white women between the age of 20 and 27, 1 male, 1 minority and one really, really old person (like around 40). Send a letter of intent (and if you are female, a photo of you doing a yoga pose naked) and $350 for processing to:
Postal Drop 419
Ebola Okei-Dokei Street
Bronx Zoo Cobra found in Jivamukti Yoga Studio
The Bronx Zoo cobra that went missing last Friday and was later personified by a Twitter account has been found. The Egyptian cobra currently has more than 221,000 followers on Twitter but has yet to “tweet” about his recent recapture.
The Bronx Zoo revealed on its website that the cobra has been found alive and well. Officials confirmed the snake was found practicing yoga at the Jivamukti yoga studio on 841 Broadway in Manhattan. Bronx Zoo said they found the adolescent snake doing Bhujangasana with Sharon Gannon in the special VIP yoga room at Jivamukti.
Ms. Gannon told zoo officials, “That cobra has real potential of becoming a yogi though it balked at becoming a vegetarian.” It is not clear if zoo officials will institute yoga classes for it's animals at the zoo. Ms Gannon said, “I think yoga could really help those caged up beings feel less like animals." When asked how the cobra came to take take a yoga class at the studio, she replied, "Guess it saw our logo and figured that's where all the hip cobras are hanging out."
Sarah Does Delhi - A New Bollywood Film with Sarah Palin and Charlie Sheen
Famous American moose hunting politician, Sarah Palin, is rumored to star in a new Bollywood production to be titled, "Sarah Does Delhi". Ms. Palin's India trip on March 18 to give the keynote address, "My Vision of America," in New Delhi was extended for a few days so she could work on her first full length film. Sources close to Palin say the movie will be “a song and dance production” with a host of b-list Indian actors and one washed up actor from the back wash of sitcoms in America. Charlie Sheen will co-star as the “village idiot of Sober Resorts”; a mythological place which is the background where the movie takes place (Mr. Sheen insisted that movie be named either "Tiger Blood" or "Winning Indian Style").
The list of song and dance tunes are:
I couldn’t find the darn slots at the Taj Mahal
Indian people have awesome tans
When I see a cow, I think hamburger
Dang, I thought India was in Indiana
India, Pocahontas and me
108 call centers
Eat, Poop, Cash Check
How come there aren’t any yoga mats in this here temple?
What’s with the red dots?
Remix: When I see a cow, I think hamburger (When I see a cow, I reach for my shotgun)
The YogiTea Party
In one of the zaniest manifestations of a political season gone mad, a group of six males gathered across from the White House to protest what they believed is the increasing socialization of yoga. Holding signs and answering questions from curious bystander, this band of retirement aged, white men from San Antonio, Texas, spent much of the day in a tea party styled demonstration.
Their story began in a yoga studio named Earl’s of San Antonio in which they practice what they call "real American yoga". They call themselves “Yoguys” and practice a style of yoga that seems to incorporate guns and beer. Hearing that Michelle Obama did yoga on the White House lawn, they became convinced that President Obama would push for yoga to be included in the new free preventative services by health care providers. They decided to drive to DC and protest “this socialized yoga”. When asked if they were part of the Tea Party movement, they replied, “Hell no, we are the YogiTea Party”.
This group claims that there is a vast left wing yoga blogger conspiracy run by fundamentalist yogis who are trying to topple American yoga “as we know it”. They cite examples of these bloggers railing against recent developments in the yoga world which show an increasing commercialization, blatant nudity and irrelevant yoga magazines that show only young, flexible, white women. These yoga blogger seem to decry the secularization of yoga and the alliance to corporate interests in the exploitation of yoga by many upstart yoga stars who feel they need not adhere to yoga’s historical standards.
After a few hours of waving their signs, the group trashed them in a nearby trashcan and headed to bar a few blocks away. Though they are not sure if they had convinced anyone of their concerns, they did nonetheless press the point that they knew “Obama was born in India” and are convinced that he will soon outsource yoga back to India.
I love your site....very funny!!....You are the Joel Mchale/Soup of Yoga - Kimberly Fowler, Yoga Spokesperson for Nike
Your site is hilarious! - Alanna, Kirtan Musician
Pretty amazing, funny site! - Deborah Koff-Chapin, Artist
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