Yoga Dangers
YogaDawg would be remiss if mention of certain Yoga dangers, both physical and psychological, were ignored. These are not to be taken lightly, as they could discourage you in your practice as well as causing long term health problems. Most Yoga books only mention the positive aspects of the practice, but the Yoga Guide will not flinch from this responsibility. YogaDawg feels it is important that you, as a Yoga student, are aware of these dangers.
If you find yourself developing any of these symptoms, please call 1-800-Get-Dawg to schedule an appointment at the YogaDawg Psychic Health Emporium.
Blowing Out the Third Eye
Sever condition caused by the excessive practice of gazing inward too much. As the Yogi relies on their ability to focus inwardly during a Yoga class, the Third Eye can become agitated and start to itch from overuse. At this point it would be advisable to apply some GoodKarma salve to it (available at the GreatTranscendentalYoga Superstore or ask your teacher if you can borrow some from their supply).
Crown Chakra turning into a Clown Chakra
A debilitating condition that Yogis and some writers of Yoga manuals, develop after many years of practice. This condition is especially prevalent in Yoga Stars. There is no known cure for this condition but some Yogis have gone on to have promising careers in the circus.
Pranic Reflux
A strange condition that develops with beginning and sometime advanced students of Yogic breathing. It usually occurs while trying to coordinate the breath to a Yoga sequence of poses. Due to inattention or distraction, the Yogi will be confused whether they are inhaling or exhaling. As a result, the Prana will start to hiccup. Manifestations of this condition will show itself as jerky body movements while trying to hold a Yoga pose or a skipping sound while chanting Om.
#!?<<)(^&*itis (Also known as @)%^&** Gravis)
This is caused by excessive Yoga talk while in the Yoga studio. Once you start taking too many Yoga classes and hearing this Yoga talk constantly, you’ll find yourself using this same Yoga talk to all and sundry. You will know that you have developed #!?<<)(^&*itis when you start to notice the following words showing up in your talking outside the Yoga studio: guru, mantra, Om, hatha, YogaDawg, namaste, shanti, kundalini, chakra, karma, dharma or GreatTrancendentalYoga Superstore. Unless you are a Yoga Star, Yoga teacher or Yoga studio owner, this can have unforeseen and negative consequences in your personal and professional life. This condition is sometimes accompanied by symptoms of Ompolar Disorder.
Gas Yogitis
An annoying condition that only happens in Yoga classes. Especially prevalent where other Yogis are practising close to you or while doing partner work. The cure for this is to practice at home, find a class with no people or take liberally amounts of YogaGas-Ease a hour before going to class.
Obsessive Adjustmentitis
This happens when a Yogi has lost sight of the boundary between Yoga and the real world. After a few months of getting adjusted in a yoga class, there is a clear problem of extending this behavior outside the Yoga studio. You may find yourself adjusting sales clerks, your boss or anyone else you run into for that matter. This will not only piss them off but you may possibly be charged with assault so seek professional help as soon as possible for this condition.
Anatomanosis Nervosa
Usually occurs after attending excessive amounts of classes in a Nerd studio (see Yoga Styles). The symptoms of this condition are the inability to refrain from using anatomical terms when referring to parts of the body outside the Yoga class. Taking classes in any other style of Yoga usually cures this condition.
Erectile Full Function Fibrillation
A male condition that occurs during a Yoga class while getting an adjustment from a pretty, young Yoga instructor. This occurs sporadically and there is no known cure. If this condition persists, only practice Yoga with instructors 60 years of age or over.
Mat Foot Cellulitis
A condition that causes rashes on the feet and legs of Yogis. This occurs frequently when using Yoga mats supplied by the Yoga studio. This condition is also prevalent in Hell type studios (see section Yoga Studios). In that type of studio, you will first see a slow degradation of your yoga mat before sprouting full blown Mat Foot Cellulitis.
Ompolar Disorder
With the chanting of Om at the beginning and end of a Yoga class, some Yoga students have become susceptable to Ompolar Disorder. While this practice can have a healthy and calming effect for the vast majority of Yogis, you must nonetheless be on the lookout for any negative aspects of Oming. You will know that you are developing this condition if you notice one of the following:
A. As you are chanting Om, you suddenly realize that there is a stunned silence in the studio. You will see all the other Yogis looking at you, as well as the teacher. It is then that you suddenly realize you are chanting Om while everyone has stopped and that you are both loud and off key. The teacher will not chant Om in the future if you show up for one their classes.
B. You are so into the Om chanting after months of practicing as a Yogi, that you find yourself chanting Om in the middle of business meetings, on the checkout line at the grocery store or other situations where Oming is clearly inappropriate. As you continue to do this, your husband and kids might:
1. Have you deprogrammed
2. Commit you to an lunitic asylum
GreatTranscendentalYoga Superstore Fatigue Syndrome (GFS)
It was been reported that this is an ongoing problem while shopping at the GreatTrancendentalYoga Superstore. For those who have developed GFS, noted symptoms include wandering aimlessly up and down the aisles, spontaneous meditation or dropping suddenly into Corpse pose. Due to the sever nature of this problem, the GreatTrancendentalYoga Superstore has established a toll-free hotline that a Yogi can call if they find themselves with this condition.
For assistance call 1 - 800 – Get - Karma.
Yoga Dangers
What would Buddha read? 